Police Station toilet stolen....Cops have nothing to go on.

Schizophrenia beats being alone.

If at first you don't succeed, redefine success.

You have the capacity to learn from your mistakes. You will learn a lot today.

A thing not worth doing isn't worth doing well.

Hard work never killed anyone, but why chance it?

All true wisdom is found on T-shirts.

I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.

I think sex is better than logic, but I can't prove it.

The meek shall inherit the earth.....after we're through with it.

If a thing is worth doing, it would have been done already.

Ham and Eggs: A day's work for a chicken; A lifetime commitment for a pig.

Lord, if I can't be skinny, please let all my friends be fat.

Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die

Confession is good for the soul, but bad for your career.

Sometimes too much to drink isn't enough.

Jesus loves you! It's everybody else that thinks you're an ass.

It's hard to make a comeback when you haven't been anywhere.

Don't get married. Find a woman you hate and buy her a house. It's a lot easier on you.

A closed mouth gathers no foot.

When blondes have more fun do they know it?

Money isn't everything, but it sure keeps the kids in touch.

Losing a husband can be hard. In my case it was almost impossible.

Jesus is coming! Look Busy.

My Wild Oats Have turned to Shredded Wheat!

Is reading in the bathroom considered multi-tasking?

Seen it all. Done it all. Can't remember most of it.

Why do bankruptcy lawyers expect to be paid?

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Always try to be modest. And be damn proud of it!

If you think nobody cares about you, try missing a couple of mortgage payments.

Attempt to get a new car for your spouse - it'll be a great trade!

I'd kill for a Nobel Peace prize.

Chastity is curable, if detected early.

Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.

Hell hath no fury like the lawyer of a woman scorned.

Bills travel through the post at twice the speed of cheques.

Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.

Borrow money from pessimists - they don't expect it back.

A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.

If at first you don't succeed, then skydiving definitely isn't for you.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

There's no future in time travel.

Radioactive cats have 18 half-lives.

Polynesia -- memory loss in parrots.

A good pun is its own reword.

Laughing stock -- cattle with a sense of humor?

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

I said "no" to drugs, but they just wouldn't listen.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I'd give my right arm to be ambidextrous.

I want patience... AND I WANT IT NOW!!!!

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you have to catch up.

I have friends who swear they dream in colour...It's just a pigment of their imagination.

There are 3 kinds of people: those who can count and those who can't.

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

Help Wanted: Telepath. You know where to apply.

It's sad how whole families are torn apart by simple things, like wild dogs.

Karaoke is Japanese for "Tone Deaf"

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

A day without radiation is a day without sunshine.

A day without sunshine is like night.

A seminar on Time Travel will be held two weeks ago.

Alzheimer's advantage: New friends every day.

An unbreakable toy is useful for breaking other toys

As I said before, I never repeat myself. As long as I can remember, I've had amnesia.

Bigamy: one wife too many. Monogamy: same thing

Bombs don't kill people, explosions kill people.

Bureaucrats cut red tape, lengthwise.

Clairvoyants meeting canceled due to unforeseen events.

Clones are people two.

Cole's Law: Thinly sliced cabbage.

Did ya hear? They took the word gullible out of the dictionary!

I want to die peacefully, in my sleep, like my grandfather, not screaming, terrified, like his passengers.

Do not put statements in the negative form.

Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Friction can be a drag sometimes.

He who places head in sand, will get kicked in the end!

How many of you believe in telekinesis? Raise MY hand!

Hypochondria is the only disease I haven't got.

I bet you I could stop gambling.

I couldn't care less about apathy.

Energizer Bunny Arrested! Charged with battery.

I like kids, but I don't think I could eat a whole one.

I tried to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.

I used to be indecisive, now I'm not so sure.

I used to be schizophrenic, but we're all right now.

If evolution is outlawed, only outlaws will evolve.

A colleague of mine posted this on her blog...she is an Australian Volunteer to Papua New Guinea......when I read it I was speechless!!...I still am so I decided to share it with you all.
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We're Independent and we're Free, Papua New Guinea!


On Saturday night I went out for dinner. Unfortunately I was late and had to sit near some people I don’t know so well, while my friends were up at the other end of the table. Despite not particularly liking these people, I determined not to be precocious this time, but to be as polite and as amiable as possible.

It was a disaster.

First of all they were boring and old and had absolutely nothing in common with me - conversation revolved around the last time they were in Australia and what they bought, and what they were planning on buying next time they went down. But things really started going downhill when somebody mentioned, “Have you ever noticed how bad the money smells in Papua New Guinea?”

My mouth literally hung open as the six people surrounding me started discussing how on pay day Papua New Guineans (who of course don’t have wallets) stick their money in their buttcracks to take it home.

That’s right – these people were having a conversation about how Papua New Guineans stick their money in their buttcracks to take it home. Laughing and smiling at these silly people, and why their money is smelly. Because, you see, Papua New Guineans stick their money in their buttcracks to take it home.

I was dumbfounded for about sixty seconds, until I started arguing with them. “That’s simply absurd”, I said; “I just don’t believe it” and “Don’t be ridiculous”. “Have you ever seen anyone actually do that?” I asked, and I told them “I’m afraid that this is just too preposterous”. To which they replied “Oh Carolyn, you’ve only been here for a year, you don’t really know Papua New Guineans”.

This coming from people who have lived here for most, if not a good part of, their lives. Well-educated people, in their twenties and thirties. People working for high-powered law firms, aid agencies and businesses. People whose only association with Papua New Guineans is with their Haus Meri, or their waiter, or their colleague (of whom they ask “So how did you actually get this job?”, as if a Papua New Guinean wouldn’t/couldn’t have a qualification, let alone work experience).

I was simply horrified, and I didn’t know what to do. I wanted to throw my shoe at them, to scream at them, to shame them. I wanted to tell them that if they can’t respect the citizens they should get the hell out of this country. Instead I tried to reason and speak with them. All of the protestations and arguments I made were literally laughed at, and I rapidly got to the point where I simply couldn’t engage with these people any more. I was so angry. I felt myself curl up as I refused to make eye contact, and answered everything with monosyllables. I backed away from all conversations and sat there in my shocked silence, while they just presumed I was being a wet blanket. Because of course Papua New Guineans carry their money around in their buttcracks, why wouldn’t you believe this?

As if I’d want to be any kind of blanket around these people. I felt so ashamed to be associated with them – ashamed to be sitting with them, to be holding the same passport as them, to be in any way identifiable as one of “them”. They continued on with their conversation, just presuming that because of my skin colour I’d be in agreement with them. Deeply shamed and offended, I left the restaurant as soon as I could, but I still haven’t been able to leave behind the feelings of revulsion and disgust.

When I come to the end of the road
And the sun has set for me,
I want no rites in a gloom-filled room
-- Why cry for a soul set free?

Miss me a little, but not too long.
And not with your head bowed low.
Remember the love that we once shared.
-- Miss me, but let me go.

For this is a journey we all must take,
And each must go alone.
It`s all a part of the Master`s plan,
-- A step on the road to home.

When you are lonely and sick of heart,
Go to friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds.
-- Miss me, but let me go!

Unknown